Before I gave birth to my first child, a
friend joined me to a Facebook group for mothers living in Jerusalem
A mundane example– I asked about the difference between two strollers. I got
all sorts of responses – but the truth is, most of these women don’t live in my
neighborhood, where the streets are narrow, some don’t have cars, some don’t
care about the fold, some don’t care about the price, etc. So their answers
were nice, but weren’t really relevant, and in the end, my husband and I
decided by ourselves (we chose the Baby Jogger City Mini and love it. But I
digress.)
The point is, I felt good knowing that
there was a place I could turn to where all my questions could be answered, or
at least acknowledged.
After birth, however, was a different story. At home on maternity leave, my
laptop was my lifeline to the world. And because I hadn’t yet figured out that
it’s possible to turn off FB notifications, I was receiving notifications from
this group about every five minutes – it’s quite a popular group – and reading
every question and comment because that was all I had to do. (Once I realized
you could turn off notifications, I availed myself of this option. I've been
much happier since.)
Some of the posts were interesting or good to know. I learned how to make
homemade almond milk from one mother. I learned about a sale on diapers from
another. But the majority of posts, I couldn’t care less about. Why did one
mother post about Matisyahu shaving his beard? Why were there a few mothers who
insisted on posting pictures of their babies – no offense, but we all have cute
babies, and I much prefer to look at mine than yours. Besides, that’s what
regular FB is for. The combination of irrelevant and off-topic posts started to
get on my nerves.
But more than annoying, the group had morphed from a pre-natal comfort into a
post-natal worry-creator!
For example: my husband and I disagreed
on sleep-training. He was all for Ferberizing - letting the baby cry in order
to fall asleep on her own. I did not want this! So I posted for advice about
sleep training on the group, got many responses, mostly falling into these
categories: “You’re the mother, you get to decide.” “Crying is awful, don’t do
it!” “We let our babies cry, I hated it but it worked.”
All very nice, supportive things to say –
but how exactly does that help me resolve the conflict with my husband? My
husband, who irritatingly enough, was more experienced than I in the beginning
of our crazy parenthood trip from a slew of nieces and nephews, wasn’t pulling
ideas from thin air. While my Baby Whisperer book advocated middle-of-the-road
methods, he had a book that contradicted everything my book said! (It’s amazing
that by chance, we both ended up with books that fit our personalities.)
In any event, the “support” I received from the mothers in the group didn’t
make me feel better; it made me feel worse. So what that I had all these
mothers agreeing with me, or telling me it’s okay? It only made me more mad at
my husband – and the fact that some mothers did it and it worked didn’t make me
feel any better hearing my baby’s cries in the middle of the night. (My husband
and I ended up compromising, mostly because my hormones were no match for his
arguments or experience, and yet, when I couldn’t keep my eyes open, we did let
baby cry for a few minutes – but not full-fledged Ferberizing.)
In short, I quickly realized that my
participation in this group was not productive.
Not only was it unproductive, it was actually becoming harmful to me. I’m not
talking about getting high blood pressure from annoying posts. I'm talking
about jealousy-inducing posts, or FOMO, Fear of Missing Out, posts (for more on
FOMO: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/10/business/10ping.html).
Here are some examples:
"I used to get up an hour
before my baby so I could exercise. Now, my baby started waking up an hour
earlier - when am I supposed to find the time to get back into shape?”
Maybe I’m just a bad person, or maybe you can understand me a little when I say
that I spared no sympathy for this woman. Instead, I looked at myself with a
critical eye and said, “This woman has been getting up early to exercise every
morning to lose her pregnancy weight. If you would get up early, maybe you
could lose the weight, fatass.”
Clearly not productive.
“My five week old slept for eight hours
straight! I’m so well-rested!”
Good for you! I’m about to prop my eyelids open with toothpicks because I
haven’t slept in weeks, but I’m SO happy for
you!
“My baby is so good to me. I flew with her when she was three months old and
she only kvetched for about two minutes - I just had to brag!”
Seriously? I take my baby to the doctor’s office and in minutes the walls of
the waiting room are resonating with her wails. I feel really good about myself right now.
Or, “We’re getting together in the park Wednesday morning. Who’s in?”
Okay, people are allowed to get together. But the fact is, I’ve been dying of boredom and would love to meet and hang out with other
mothers, but I work in the mornings.
Not only are these posts jealousy-inducing,
not only do they inflict upon me serious self-loathing, but they make me
question the goodness of my character (since I feel like I want to smack
the people posting)!
Still, I know that my feelings about
this group are not shared by all. Clearly. Otherwise, the questions and
comments that mothers post wouldn’t receive 10-100 comments. By mothers who are
obviously nicer, more patient or more sympathetic than me.
And
all the mothers mean well, even when they post things that can cause jealousy
and that I personally find insensitive, annoying or TMI. (“My four month old has had
diarrhea for the past three days and has been puking up everything. What should I do???” Call your doctor, genius. “Found dead moth parts
in my baby’s mouth yesterday. Eeeeeew. Just had to share.” I really wish you
hadn’t. "I think my IUD might be infected!" I'm really sorry for you, but TMI, TMI!)
And I think that for most of the participating mothers, the group affords them
a connection with others. After birth, I thought I was the only woman who
experienced loneliness, since it’s not something that people really talk about.
But belonging to this group and seeing the ridiculous amount of posts and
comments has shown me that it’s not just me – motherhood can be lonely. And I
shouldn’t blame these mothers for wanting to connect virtually with each other,
since in real life, getting out of the house and meeting up can be difficult. I
especially shouldn’t blame them for creating an online community that they seem
to enjoy – it’s my own problem that it’s not my particular cup of
tea.
So why don’t I just leave the group?
Since I’ve turned off my FB notifications, I don’t read half the posts – and
when I do, I get annoyed, as you see. So instead of complaining about something
that hundreds of mothers find useful, why don’t I just ship out?
Two reasons:
First of all, because there really are useful posts. And this is what the group
is about! Lending support to mothers (“I have to go back to work and am
dreading it. How have other mothers dealt with this?”) and providing useful and
helpful information (“I think my five month old has bedbugs. What should I
do?”).
The second reason I stay in the group is because: What if…?
What if my baby is pooping and puking and I can’t reach my doctor? (I’d
probably call my mother-in-law.) What if I’m making a Shabbat meal and need a
dessert recipe? (Not likely – I love kosher food blogs and trust the ones I
know much more than I trust mothers I don’t know.) What if I need to decide on
my next stroller (Amazon and Baby Gizmo reviews – love and trust.)
Okay, it seems like I mostly don’t need it. But what if I do at some point?
What if I need moral support when I have a second baby? What if I need advice
on how to divide attention between two children? I’m sure I will. What if my
baby really does get bedbugs (please God, no!)? And while I have online and
in-person resources, there’s a certain comfort in knowing that this group that
has grown so irritating, so jealousy and worry-inducing, is there should I need
it. And hopefully I will then appreciate it for all its worth. But until that
time comes, I don’t plan on turning my FB notifications back on.
No comments:
Post a Comment